


The Great Grammar Caper

by profdanglais



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Drabble, F/M, Utter Nonsense, crack nonsense, grammar, this is very very silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 08:52:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19826716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/profdanglais/pseuds/profdanglais
Summary: There is a bandit on the loose in Storybrooke. A grammar bandit.





	The Great Grammar Caper

**Author's Note:**

> For @thisonesatellite because SHE ASKED FOR IT

Emma’s day began calmly, but it didn’t stay that way for long. 

She’d barely even taken her first sip of coffee when Granny came storming into the Sheriff’s station.

“I’m here to report a theft,” she declared, slamming her hands palms-down on Emma’s desk, rattling her ancient computer and sending coffee sloshing over the rim of her cup. 

“Someone stole something from the diner?” she asked, shaking droplets of coffee off her hand and looking around for her box of tissues. 

“Well, no. They stole something from my sign.” 

“Your… sign?” Emma frowned, wiping her hand. 

“The sandwich board I got on the sidewalk.”

“They stole the sandwich board?”

“No, they stole something off it.”

Emma rubbed her temples. It was too early and she was too poorly caffeinated for this sort of thing. “What could anyone have stolen off your sandwich board?”

“An apostrophe.” 

“An _apostrophe?_ ”

“Yep.” 

“Someone stole your _punctuation?_ ”

“Ayup. Stole it right off the sign. Brazen.”

“But… isn’t the writing on that board done in chalk?”

“Thief erased the chalk.” 

“Granny, I’m really sorry but it’s not illegal to erase chalk off a sign.” 

“It’s not just that though. Sneezy had two apostrophes stolen off the sign on the pharmacy and the ice cream shop and the gas station and the market have all had some go missing. It’s a serial apostrophist.” Her eyes twinkled incongruously in her solemn face. 

“Perhaps Storybrooke’s shopkeepers should use fewer apostrophes,” said a deep voice from the doorway. Emma and Granny turned to see Killian leaning against the doorjamb with an air of extravagant nonchalance, examining the tip of his hook. “It seems to me like this apostrophe bandit is doing you a favour, hunting down rogue punctuation stuck where it doesn’t belong.” 

“How do you know they were where they didn’t belong?” demanded Granny. 

“Just an _educated_ guess,” replied Killian, stressing the word just enough to make Granny’s hackles rise. 

“Now see here, young man—” she began, and Emma jumped in before Killian could retort that he was in fact the least young man in town. 

“Leave it with us, Granny,” she said quickly, shooting her husband a glare that clearly said _keep-your-mouth-shut-if-you-ever-want-to-see-me-naked-again_. Killian raised an eyebrow but remained silent. “We’ll make sure your signs are left alone from now on,” soothed Emma, ushering Granny to the door. “You can tell the others we’ve got things under control.” 

The moment the door closed behind the old woman, Emma spun around and fixed Killian with a glare. “Need I remind you,” she hissed, “that you are now an _officer_ of the _law_?”

“Aye, love. Sworn to uphold law and order.” He hooked a thumb under his belt, no longer adorned with a massive buckle but instead with his deputy badge. He let his fingertips brush across it, just in case she missed the significance of the gesture. Emma rolled her eyes. 

“And you think that includes the laws of grammar?” 

“Does it not?”

“Killian, you can _not_ go around stealing apostrophes off people’s signs!” 

“Swan, you wound me with your groundless accusations,” he said with a look of shamelessly exaggerated hurt. “Particularly when you know I couldn’t have committed these crimes, as I was engaged in _other activities_ with my beautiful wife until quite late this morning.” He leaned in to kiss her and she allowed his lips to come within a breath of hers before sticking the knife in his ribs. 

Metaphorically. 

“How do you know the thefts happened this morning?” she asked. 

“Pardon?”

“Granny never said when the apostrophes were stolen. How did you know it happened this morning? And did you _really_ just try to use me as your alibi?” 

A pink flush spread across his cheekbones and he reached up to scratch behind his ear before remembering how that was a dead giveaway and snatching his hand back. “Ah,” he said. 

“Yes, _ah._ You’ve gotta stop doing this, babe.” 

“Your evidence against me is circumstantial at best, Swan,” he attempted to brazen it out. “And as I said, it seems to me that this particular miscreant is fighting for the common good. Like one of those masked characters in Henry’s picture books.” 

“They’re _comic_ books, and that is not the same thing!” 

“Merely a matter of perspective, love. Now, let us just say, _hypothetically_ , that the missing apostrophes might be returned to their owners in exchange for a promise not to replace them in their original locations, do you think that might restore law and order to our little community?” 

She bit the inside of her cheek. “It might. Hypothetically.” 

“Well I might, hypothetically, be in a position to see that the errant punctuation finds its way home by this afternoon, if you could, also hypothetically, darling, smooth the path of its return with the local merchants.” 

“I suppose hypothetically I can do that.” 

“Excellent. It’s a hypothetical plan.” 

The the hostages were returned as promised that afternoon and all was peaceful until the following morning when Emma and Killian stopped by Granny’s for coffee before their shift. They were walking hand-in-hand down the sidewalk, his thumb absently tracing patterns across her knuckles when his fingers squeezed hers painfully and his entire body went rigid. 

“What—” she began, and then she saw the sign. “Ah.” 

“Yes,” growled Killian. “ _Ah._ ” 

“The one place she actually _needed_ an apostrophe she left it out!” Killian said indignantly. “And why the devil not on sandwiches? It’s not even _consistent!_ ” He sounded personally insulted and Emma diplomatically hid her grin. 

“Remember the other day when you asked me what trolling was? _That’s_ trolling.” 

“I don’t like it,” he grumbled. “Bad form.” 

He marched into the diner, pulling Emma along behind him and treated Granny to his very evilest pirate glare. “This isn’t over, old woman,” he declared. 

“Why Deputy,” said Granny, the very picture of baffled innocence. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

Killian’s lip curled and he stalked to their booth, taking his seat with as much dignity as he could muster. Emma and Granny exchanged amused grins. 

“Well played,” muttered Emma. 

“I try,” said Granny. 


End file.
